Coming out is a big deal.
If you’ve read “Spectacles” by Sue Perkins – you will have read the heartening story of her coming out to her mum. It wasn’t a big deal for her mother who already knew, though she hadn’t been told. But for Sue her coming out was an important event in her life.
Sir Ian McKellan came out very late to his family, even though he had been living an openly gay life for many years and he and his partner shared the same bed in the family home when they went to visit. Quite clearly everyone in his family knew but they took it to be a private matter and it was never discussed. When Sir Ian came out it liberated him, his partner and his family from the avoidance of a “private matter” and he tells how his relationship with his family became even better.
But whether you live in busy places like Essex or London or more rural areas of Britain coming out isn’t always straight forward. But wherever you are in the country, via Skype I could help you form my Hypnotherapy practice here in Chigwell, Essex.
Coming out isn’t always straight forward
It’s quite possible that those of us who first came out to someone a long time ago have forgotten the dread that went along with. For many people the experiences are very similar. There are so many questions that it is easy to become overwhelmed for example:
- will they still love me?
- will I be thrown out?
- will I lose my job?
- will people behave differently towards me?
- will my friends stand by me?
- will I be expected to be political?
- how do I answer their questions?
- will I upset them?
Invariably the fear is that there will be some sort of repercussions will be suffered as a result of being true to yourself. Often people rehearse what they will say and how they will say it, and go through all the scenarios they can thinks of, and possible responses to them. The amount of thought and emotions that are putting into the preliminary stages of coming out are immense. Sometimes coming out is a spontaneous event, but often it is something considered and feared and eventually faced up to after considerable consideration.
Coming Out is Healthy
The fear that somehow life will go badly after coming out is often what keeps people firmly in the closet, or at least staying there until circumstances are more favourable. What this means – put starkly – is that staying in the closet is as much about survival as is coming out! In fact we should rarely, if ever, criticise the person who remains in the closet because we do not know what losses they might suffer as a result of being open. This is not to ignore the fact that much might also be lost by remaining closeted.
Gareth Thomas the Welsh rugby player has explained how he went to great lengths to keep his sexuality secret because of all the things that he stood to lose – his life as his understood it at the time!
Yet coming out is important. It is important for a healthy sense of self of a person to acknowledge their sexuality even if the only person who knows about it is themselves.
Still a Long Way to Go
Quite often when I talk with non LGBT+ people they express thoughts and opinions that suggest that in their minds at least the world in general and British society in particular is accepting and tolerant of LGBT+ people. It’s always nice to be tolerated isn’t it! The reality is quite different, however. A glance at the newspapers can tell you a great deal about hate crimes against LGBT+ people. According to the National LGBT survey 7 out of 10 LGBT people are not open about their sexual orientation for fear of how others might behave, whilst two-thirds will not hold hands with their partner in public for fear of what people might say.
Developing a Healthy Personality – against the odds
What this means is that LGBT+ have to grow up and find their identity in a society that is not entirely accepting, not entirely tolerant of LGBT+ people. As Dominic Davies put in his book “Pink Therapy”:
Since the development of lesbian or gay identity differs significantly from that of a heterosexual identity and the norms of British society are largely anti-gay, then the development of gay men and lesbians must mean the integration of a stigmatized aspect of identity. (D.Davies, 1996, P67). My emphases.
What Davies says here is by extension true of LGBT+ people in general, and even if one takes the contrary view that British society is not anti-gay, then it is at least largely heteronormative – which can in effect be the same thing.
Therapy for Coming Out
Now it is my belief that the role of the affirming therapist – my role – is to assist LGBT+ people and sometimes their family and friends in coming to terms with, accepting, and/or growing into a perfectly valid sexuality or gender identity.
This might involve nothing more that talking through thoughts, feelings, and motives for coming out. Once you have got something like that off your chest and “out there” it can seem a whole lot more manageable. Talking it also a good way of identifying feelings, assumptions, fears and hidden agendas that you were not fully aware of and which might prevent you from getting the best out of your coming out experience. And let’s face it, if in spite of all your best intentions, if your experience is a negative one you still want to come away with something of value.
I can also help with some of the anxieties that get in the way of coming out and that hold you back. With confidence, self-esteem and over-coming shame.
I can help you to formulate and set your boundaries, which might be necessary if you are breaking free of restrictions place on you by someone else, or yourself.
And then when it is over? What then? Whether your coming out experience is perfect or perfectly horrendous you could be left with a feeling of “What next?” or “so who am I now?” and that is fantastic because it will mean you have reached a point where you can determine to live your life your way, to be true, to be the you YOU were born to be – and when that isn’t easy I can help there too.
Coming out is a big deal – but it doesn’t have overwhelming.
Gavin Bowtell Hypnotherapy.
LGBT+ Affirming Hypnotherapy in Essex and East London.
Certified Slim Via Hypnosis Practitioner – weight loss using hypnotherapy
Certified OldPain2Go Practitioner – natural pain reduction method
Trained to Advanced Level of BWRT®Member of General Hypnotherapy Standards Council, National Council of Psychotherapists
