Sexual Problems, Gay Men & Dating

The best place to meet people is “out there” in the real world. However gay scene appears to be shrinking these days, partly due to growing acceptance of gay people.  Technology has also made its contribution to the demise of the gay scene. Apps like Grindr, Growlr and Scruff make it a whole lot easier for people to find the sex they want.  That’s no bad thing.   As a therapist I believe that a lot of people would be a lot happier if they were able to enjoy the sex they like without guilt, shame or fear.

Dating apps can be great for helping you to make friends in comfort and safety online, before meeting up in real life. I’m going to assume that you all take the usual precautions when meeting someone from an app – if you don’t know what they are – click this link.  But not yet.

Being ghosted isn’t nice.  Having put in the effort to get to know someone who then either doesn’t turn up as agreed, or who suddenly blocks you can have a negative effect on your emotions. It can allow self-doubt to creep in, leaving you wondering if there was something wrong with what you said, or the way you look.  Rejection on line or through an app can also be hurtful and damaging, particularly if it keeps happening, or happens at a time when you are already feeling down on yourself. The pain of rejection is real and is the same whether you are rejected on line or in real life.

For whatever reason, social media allows people to be more bold, blunt and unkind than they ever would be in real life. But the pain for those on the receiving end is real.

What can you do about this?  Well, first of all you can recognise that you are not alone in this situation. Thereafter you can either decide to continue to feel bad, or to change, and change isn’t necessarily as hard as you might imagine.

What follows is from a recent case study, that my client has allowed me to share with you.

My client – lets call him Scot – is a single gay white in his thirties..  He is a professional man and lots of friends.

He used a variety of apps like Grindr, Tinder, & Scruff.

Being a healthy young man with the usual sexual needs he had been inclined to use the dating apps for casual sex as well as to look for friends and a possible relationship.  However he suffered a number of rejections.  These began to erode his self esteem and made him afraid of intimacy so that even if he did meet a man who was afraid to get naked or have sex with him.

Scott had heard about me and one of the techniques I used called IEMT – Integral Eye Movement Therapy.   Because he was already feeling so bad about himself, he felt he couldn’t face going into detail.  One of the great things about IEMT is that the need to discuss intimate memories is greatly reduced. So he came along for a session, with an open mind,  to see how I could help.

Basically all I knew about Scott is what I have written above.  This could reflect the experience of many other gay or bisexual men.  His therapy session was for one hour.  I took down all the usual personal details of name and address and then we began to work. In IEMT the practitioner moves the eyes of the client in a particular way according to the nature of the issue.  We learn in our childhood and adolescence how to respond or react to events as adults.

The next day Scott sent a text to say that he had “slept better” and “felt energised”. At the same time he was aware he has been feeling “wounded”.
That weekend a man he had been due to go on a date with a guy who sent a nasty message to cancel the date. Scott has been looking forward to this date prior to coming to see me.   Instead of feeling hurt or rejected by the knock bag, Scott said he felt “resilient”. Instead of baling himself or looking for the fault in himself, this time he found he had the attitude that the guy “had had his chance”.
Whereas previously Scott would have felt devalued by such a brush off, this time he <em>felt his own value</em>. His self esteem had increased simply by removing a block to self-esteem. Scott also discovered he was longer prepared to settle for “second best” and asserted that he “deserved some luck – lots of it”.

After nearly a week Scott found he was to at all bothered by being ignored on dating apps and was feeling more in control. He continues his search for a life-partner.